Dear Miss Contrary. Two questions:

One from me, What do you do if your sister-in-law is getting married?

One from Ginny, I love Elmo, but my parent's don't let me watch him 24/7, can you help?

williamhj

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Dear williamhj, 

I love the two-in-one, double-punch question style. I can tell you are a man that lives a no-time-for-nonsense kind of life. This can be tricky for your little one, Ginny(?), who wants to watch Elmo as much as she wants to BREATHE. Parents like you get in the way of that sort of thing.

And in terms of your sister-in-law getting married, you should go!! Even if she mentioned under no disputable terms does she want you there, you should definitely show up. In a masked costume. She never said you couldn’t show up as NOT yourself. See???

Which brings me to my point. Since unlike the Oprah Winfrey Network, the all-day Elmo Channel does not exist, I suggest you nip two problems in the bud with one antidote.

ELMO Costume. BUY IT. WEAR IT. EVERYWHERE. This will give your daughter access to Elmo at all times of the day, EVERY DAY. Even if your wife tells you it’s creepy, and to take it off when you sleep, tell her this is just a phase that Ginny is going through, and that she will eventually grow out of it. Until then….and look at her knowingly like you both what needs to happen. She’ll understand.

This costume will help you and Ginny get through the Elmo phase that all little ones have. You may even be able to make some money with it doing events at the mall, children’s birthdays, and work retirement parties. Be careful of large dogs who confuse you for Clifford and introduce themselves to your behind with their nose.

And most importantly. WEAR IT TO THE WEDDING. Your sister-in-law may not have invited YOU to the wedding, but what heartless, thoughtless, wretch of a person could say no to Elmo?? NO ONE. You are a shoe in!! And you’ll all look back on this awkward phase of life fondly every time you come across a wedding photo with you, a grown man, dressed up as Elmo.

William, no need to thank me. Elmo love you.

-Heidi