I'm on a tight budget these days. What are your budgeting tips?

Sincerely,

Money(less) pants

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Dear Money(less) pants,

I’m so sorry to hear that your pants aren’t making you money any more. What was their profession? Mine used to have their own street performance license. But unfortunately, the novelty of musical pants quickly wore off.

Unforeseen side effect? The repertoire of three songs drove the local Burger King workers insane. Now it’s back to the drawing board for you and me both. 

Needless to say, in this time of pants not making money, here are some suggestions I’ve tried to live by that have been helpful so far.

Get rid of the money(less) pants: Their day in the sun is OVER. Stop investing in them before they burn through any more of your savings.  

And don’t give into their whining. They can come over for Thanksgiving, but that’s IT. 

Budget Tracker: Keep tabs on everything you’re spending. When you invest in that far-fetched pyramid scheme to turn air into Waterford crystals, WRITE IT DOWN. You won’t know where your money is going unless you track it.

Eat at Home. You can spend a lot of money eating out all the time, so making food at home is a great way to spend money. You know what else is good to do at home???

Make your own currency. You may not have a lot of U.S. dollars after the pantscapade, But with your very own currency press, pretty soon, you will be swimming in Bizmacs, Kooglepops, or Zazoongs!! McDonalds is currently accepting Zazoongs at the rate of 2:1 U.S. dollars (Ba-da bop, ba-ba!!).

Only buy the essentials. Moroccan Oil, toothpaste, and $100-dollar Umami burgers. Foie-gras, ooh-la-la!.

Make long-term spending goals: My long-term goal is to buy the nation of Hawaii. Yours should be a different one.

Panning for gold. I saw that advertised in a local throwaway newspaper. Seemed like a good idea. Plus, you get to keep the pan.

Money culottes: The lighter, cooler, and in fact next big thing to the money pants. You have to make them yourself from a Jo-Ann Fabric pattern, since they have not been in style since the early 80s, but it’s certainly never out of vogue to make money.

Money(less) pants, this is genuinely a tough spot to be in. But if you follow my simple 8 suggestions, you should find a little more money in your shorts, capris, jeggings, or what every you choose to replace your pants with, very soon.

-Heidi

Dear Miss Contrary. Two questions:

One from me, What do you do if your sister-in-law is getting married?

One from Ginny, I love Elmo, but my parent's don't let me watch him 24/7, can you help?

williamhj

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Dear williamhj, 

I love the two-in-one, double-punch question style. I can tell you are a man that lives a no-time-for-nonsense kind of life. This can be tricky for your little one, Ginny(?), who wants to watch Elmo as much as she wants to BREATHE. Parents like you get in the way of that sort of thing.

And in terms of your sister-in-law getting married, you should go!! Even if she mentioned under no disputable terms does she want you there, you should definitely show up. In a masked costume. She never said you couldn’t show up as NOT yourself. See???

Which brings me to my point. Since unlike the Oprah Winfrey Network, the all-day Elmo Channel does not exist, I suggest you nip two problems in the bud with one antidote.

ELMO Costume. BUY IT. WEAR IT. EVERYWHERE. This will give your daughter access to Elmo at all times of the day, EVERY DAY. Even if your wife tells you it’s creepy, and to take it off when you sleep, tell her this is just a phase that Ginny is going through, and that she will eventually grow out of it. Until then….and look at her knowingly like you both what needs to happen. She’ll understand.

This costume will help you and Ginny get through the Elmo phase that all little ones have. You may even be able to make some money with it doing events at the mall, children’s birthdays, and work retirement parties. Be careful of large dogs who confuse you for Clifford and introduce themselves to your behind with their nose.

And most importantly. WEAR IT TO THE WEDDING. Your sister-in-law may not have invited YOU to the wedding, but what heartless, thoughtless, wretch of a person could say no to Elmo?? NO ONE. You are a shoe in!! And you’ll all look back on this awkward phase of life fondly every time you come across a wedding photo with you, a grown man, dressed up as Elmo.

William, no need to thank me. Elmo love you.

-Heidi 

October 30, 2012

Dear Heidi,

Do you have any advice on how to best handel an overloaded schedule? 

Sincerly,

TooBusy in LA

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TooBusy, in LA,

YES!!!! (Napoleon Dynamite style). My FIRST question!!! Too busy in LA, you are a real maverick, breaking into new and uncharted territory as you fly Amelia Earhart style in your old timely plane. I LIKE IT!

But have no fear! I have plenty of experience helping real people with their questions!! And spelling! But I think we BOTH know it’s merely a demonstration that you are one BUSY lady.  Oooh TooBusy in LA, you’re good!!

Which brings me to my helpful (you’re WELCOME) advice on how to handle an overloaded schedule. It can be taken in any order you please. Thank you for segueing into the first one!

Spelling. Don’t autocorrect your spelling on important correspondence and work documents. It is a clear demonstration to your colleagues and superiors that you are just TOO Busy. People will give you less work and responsibilities when they discover that you hav no tim to spel. No tim!!!

Delegate. Not with real co-workers, with various figurines you have at your desk. If they drop the ball, it’s their problem, not yours. (“Yes, but Gnomey was responsible for charting marketing trends in October. What? Well, I’m extremely disappointed he didn’t get this to you in a timely fashion.”

Downsize your to-do list. Take unnecessary tasks off your list. Like shooting pirate ship cannons, and bathing. Those things can wait.

Carrier Pigeons. Hire carrier pigeons to deliver items that would require you to get up out of your chair. You don’t have time for that s--, crap.

Carrier Hawks. Need to run work errands around town? Forget it! Attach the item to a sturdier carrier hawk with some money and a note to explain to the terrified recipient what exactly you need done.

Transportation: You live in LA I take it. Bad idea to save time. I would suggest looking into other forms of transportation that would allow you to get to work faster than driving. Hovercrafts, jet skis, and hot air balloons should do the trick.

Take time for yourself. It sounds anti-efficient, but there’s no way you can manage this busy schedule without first managing your sanity. Take 90-minute lunch breaks, and after that, just go missing for hours at time in the upstairs conference room. If people start asking where you went, just say you were looking for your sanity, and couldn’t find it. They’ll stop asking real quick.  

TooBusy in LA, hang in there with your busy schedule. But honestly, if you follow my advice, I don’t think your schedule will be that busy anymore.

Lata!!

-Heidi

October 28, 2012

Dear Heidi,

I want to be something cool and relevant for Halloween. Something that no one else will be. Any ideas?

-Heidi

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Dear Heidi,

YES! I do have some ideas for you. Thank you for asking!!  It’s always nice to hear from a friend. ;)  

Here are some of my top ones I would suggest to really help you make a splash/stand out from the mass amount of Katie Perry’s, Lada Gaga’s, and variety of Disney characters in short, short skirts.

1. Sexy DMV Worker. Your friends may have to fill out forms and wait in line to go out anywhere with you, but dang if your government regulated skirt isn’t short!

2. The U.S. Debt. Bound to get attention and bum people out, all in the same stroke.

3. Sexy Buddha. So random, it’s bound to catch some eyes, at least someone's (anyone??)

4. Cereal Killer. Yes, people have done this clever costume before, but really demonstrate the concept for people by ripping open boxes of Mini Wheats and Honey Bunches of Oats, all over their house. Rice Krispies will especially make your point.

5. Sexy Mother Theresa. You may be saving one small orphan at time, but there’s no reason you can’t look hot doing it.

6. Obscure Political Figures. Why be Obama or Romney when you could be the Representative from Duluth, Minnesota (fly high, Duluth!!) Nothing brings more fun to the party than politics.

7. Ex-Boyfriend/Girlfriend (unwanted). Say to that special someone at the party, why they haven’t called you, that you’ve been thinking of them (ALL the time), and repeatedly beg them to take you back. Don’t take no for an answer (EVER).

8. Sexy Medieval Black-Plague Survivor. Renaissance fair wench is so passé. Lose a limb, and you’ll be the talk of the town!!

9. Current Indie Movie Star. But not one anyone has ever heard of. It’s more fun to act like you know more than anyone else (make sure to let them know it!).

10.  Hanson. It’s so behind in the curb in relevance, that you will be in fact the FIRST to bring it back (well done!!). Mmm bop.. mmm---mmm, mmm bop.

And finally, I’ve been saving my best one for last …

Sexy Chewbecca!! Having the boys wanting more by showing absolutely nothing!!! A lovely pink hair band and cute cowgirl boots help indicate you are a sexy girl chewbecca (instead of sexy boy Chewbacca). Creates less confusion. Take my word, works every time.

Lata!!

-Heidi